Paranormal Detectives
by Nyhlus
Summary: Noah and Duncan are Paranormal Detectives. They specialize in, but are not limited to: all things weird, unexplained, and supernatural. On a bleak night they get a call about black cats, a lot of black cats. Things soon spiral out of control when they go up against a whole coven of novice witches intent on summoning a vengeful Egyptian Goddess.


Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. They belong to their rightful owners.

Warning: The following chapter contains: coarse language, violence, and mature humor. YOU have been WARNED.

**Downtown, Night**

Noah stared out the window of his crummy office bogarting a cigarette. The dark drab city streets were empty below. A street lamp flickered wildly in the night. Thick rain beat down from the sky, covering the old decaying buildings of the neighborhood in fog.

"God, what a miserable night," he remarked, brushing his hand through his messy unwashed brown hair. Ash from his cigarette fell down onto his dark brown trench coat he wore overtop a wrinkled white dress shirt with a skinny black tie loosened around his neck. He flicked what remained of his cigarette out the open window and turned back to his office.

The room was crammed. There was a cut up couch pushed to the back wall, a couple rusted file cabinets, and some shelving. He stood before his old oak desk. Sitting opposite to him was Noah's partner: Duncan. Duncan, with his green dyed Mohawk, was leaning back in his chair with his feet resting up on the desk. He wore a studded leather jacket, with a plain white shirt ripped at the collar, and blue jeans with the knees ripped. Duncan was passing the time by tossing up a small rubber ball into the air, and catching it as it came down.

Noah looked down at their desk. It was covered in papers without any semblance of order. There were a couple books with broken spines arranged in a pile. A black phone rested on the far corner of the table. Next to the phone was a coffee mug. Noah reached over and picked up the mug. It was ice cold. He peered into it only to find a dark thick sludge. "Do we have any coffee?" Noah asked.

"We haven't had coffee for a week." Duncan said, not taking his attention away from tossing the ball. "Or money, for that matter. If we don't get any work soon, they're going to cut the power in here. We're even on our last pack of cigarettes." Duncan reached over and grabbed a cigarette from the pack resting on their desk. He placed it in his mouth and then reached for a wooden match. He struck the match on the desk and lit the tip of the cigarette.

Noah put down the mug and reached over to the pack of cigarettes. He counted what remained inside. "Fuck." He swore. He tossed the pack back onto the desk. "Yeah, well, paranormal and magical occurrences don't just happen out of thin air. Well, okay, they do, but never when we have bills to pay."

"Now that you've said that, the phone's going to ring." Duncan said. He and Noah shared a look before both turning and staring at the phone. The two dreary eyed broke private detectives of all things paranormal and magical watched it intensely, as if their lives were on the line. Well over a minute passed before finally the phone began to ring. Noah immediately grabbed it.

"Still counts." Duncan muttered to himself.

"Hello?" Noah asked into the phone. "You saw a black cat?" Noah repeated in defeat. Duncan rolled his eyes as he went back to tossing the ball into the air. "Wait, what?" Noah called out. It startled Duncan. He failed to catch the ball, and it bounced off his head. "How many?"

**Suburbs, Morning**

The sun was due to come up in only a couple hours. Duncan and Noah stood on a quiet, empty suburban street. It was lined with identical houses, each with a front yard and a white picket fence. The sky was still covered in clouds and specs of rain were sparsely falling. Duncan stuck his hands in his leather jacket as he observed the street. "Yup. That's a lot of black cats."

In front of them, there were about twenty black cats roaming in the street, on houses, and on fences. "Definitely peculiar. You'll never see this many strays together in this nice of a neighborhood, and for them all to be black." Noah observed, he adjusted his trench coat as a gust of chilly morning air passed by them. "Want to try and get near one?"

"Not particularly." Duncan spoke, knowing it was redundant. He reached into his leather jacket and pulled out a silver flask. He gave it a quick shake to examine its content. "Not much left of this either." He then spun the lid off and downed what was left inside. Duncan placed the flask back into his coat and eyed the closest black cat. He turned and grabbed the metal lid of a nearby metal garbage can that was on the other side of the picket fence next to them. "Here kitty." He spoke as he slowly approached it, holding the metal lid up as a shield. The cat remained perfectly still, watching Duncan with pure red eyes. The first thing Duncan noticed as he got close was the smell. "Oh, god. These things stink. And not like an alley cat stink."

"Interesting." Noah noted, as he stood back and watched his partner.

Slowly Duncan inched closer. He got within a few feet when it started to hiss. "That's not good." Duncan guessed. The cat lunged at Duncan with pure ferocity barring all its teeth aiming straight for Duncan's face. Duncan was able to shield himself with the metal lid, flinging the cat away in a single motion. The cat landed perfectly about twenty feet away on the middle of the street. It hissed again at Duncan but this time it turned around and scurried off. Duncan let out a sigh of relief. He looked over at his partner. "So, any ideas?"

Noah reached into his coat and pulled out an old bronze zippo lighter, he flicked it open and lit a cigarette that dangled from his mouth. "Familiars."

"Familiars?"

"Demonic companions of witches. Usually take the form of animals. The most common of which, or I'd like to say generic, is black cats." Noah said letting out a puff of smoke. "A familiar is typically linked to a single witch."

"So you're saying."

"Yes." Noah spoke cutting off his partner. "Each of these cats are linked to a single witch."

Duncan looked out onto the street and the dozens of black cats that wandered around. "That's a lot of witches."

"Don't worry." Noah assured. "Considering their familiars are black cats, I have a feeling we're dealing with some beginner or novice level witches. Still, this is a good amount of them. For them to come out like this, they are obviously planning something, something big. Only one way to find out."

"And what's that?" Duncan asked.

"We need to catch a cat." Noah said. "Whatever they are planning is clearly linked to their familiars. So we lure a witch out, when her cat's not among the group, she'll come looking for it."

"And how are we going to catch a cat?" Duncan felt the need to ask, even though he knew deep down that he was not going to like the answer.

Noah bogarted his cigarette, then with both arms reached over and pulled the metal garbage can up and over the picket fence. He then tossed the garbage can onto the ground in front Duncan. "With this."

Duncan shook his head. "I hate you sometimes." Duncan reached over and picked up the garbage can, still holding the lid in his other hand. He then began to walk out into the street. "Here kitty."

**Suburbs, Day**

It was mid day. The cats had all but vanished. Along a small subdivision a young woman walked down the sidewalk. She had pale skin, blue and black hair, with an elaborate black dress, black fishnet stockings and large black combat boots. She had a large black bag swung around her shoulder. She kept looking around in all directions. "God damn it, where is she?" She muttered to herself.

She peered down a laneway behind an abandoned house. There she saw an inconspicuous metal garbage can resting upside down in the center of it. The faint scratching noise came from inside. The young woman approached it. "Dymphna. How did you get stuck in there?" She spoke as she crouched down. "Come on, our sisters are waiting for us." She reached down to lift the can up when she heard the rustling of something moving to her side. She peered over to see Duncan crouched down next to her.

"Sleep powder." He whispered as he opened his palm, and blew a golden dust onto her face. Her eyes fluttered for a moment, before she collapsed. Duncan took special care to catch her into his arms.

Noah walked up Duncan. He lit a cigarette as he peered down at the sleeping young woman. He then turned his attention to Duncan. "Did you actually whisper sleeping powder to her? What are you? A videogame character? You need to announce every move?"

Duncan tried to delicately place Gwen's unconscious body on the ground. "I just want to give her the faintest idea of what's happening. She probably has no idea but it makes me feel a little bit better." He brushed the remaining powder off his palm. "This stuff makes me uncomfortable. It kind of gives off a rape-y vibe, doesn't it? It feels like I just projectile rouffied her."

"Whatever," Noah remarked bogarting his cigarette. He reached down and picked up her bag that had fallen to the ground. "Come on, pick her up, and we'll take her to the office before this stuff wears off."

Duncan reached down, and put the woman's body over his shoulder. "See what I mean? Imagine how bad this looks. I mean, I know she's a witch which is probably planning something to bring about the end of the world. But it's a little much."

"You just say that because you think she's cute."

"Now that's just unfair."

**Downtown, Evening**

"Alright, wake-y wake-y." Duncan spoke snapping his fingers in front of the girl's face.

Slowly she came to. She looked around to find herself tied to the chair Duncan had been occupying previously in the middle of their office. Duncan stood in front of her with his arms crossed while Noah sat on the edge of the desk. "What's... what's happening? Who are you people?" She asked still dazed and slowly coming to her senses.

"I'm Noah. And this is my partner Duncan." Noah said. "Now, how about telling us who you are." Noah looked down at a piece of ID. "Gwen."

Gwen looked over at him and saw her bag open next to him with most of it's contents spilled out on the desk. "Hey! You can't just go through my stuff. Don't you need like a warrant for that?"

"Do we look like cops?" Noah asked. "Especially him." Noah said pointing at Duncan. "The guy who blew magical sleep powder into your face." Duncan gave her a smile.

"Who the fuck are you then?" Gwen asked.

"We are private detectives. We specialize in, but are not limited to, all things weird, unexplained and supernatural." Noah informed her. "Now do you mind telling us what your coven of witches are planning out by the suburbs?"

"Witches? You think I'm a witch? What are you crazy?" Gwen asked shocked. "I know I wear a lot of black but come on."

Noah let out a sigh, lighting a cigarette. "Please, don't play dumb with us. My partner and I are not idiots. We know our way around the block. We went through your stuff. Mind telling me what a local goth girl would be doing with a ceremonial black cloak and spell tome?" Noah asked lifting up the two objects.

"Fuck." Gwen cursed under her breath. "Screw you! I won't tell you anything! I'll never betray my sisters!"

Duncan let out a laugh. "I like this one's attitude."

"Fine have it your way." Noah said. He reached over and picked up the spell tome. "Luckily for us, you already nicely annotated your tome." He began to flip through the tome before stopping on a page. "Hell you even nicely highlighted what I imagine is the chant you had to memorize. Let's see, what are you up to?" He said aloud as he quickly read over the chant in his head. "Oh god damn it." Noah cursed.

Duncan glanced over at his partner. "What is it?"

Noah looked down at Gwen. "You're going to try to summon Sekhmet? How dumb are you!" Noah closed the tome and grabbed the cloak. "Come on Duncan, we got a summoning to interrupt."

"What about her?" Duncan asked.

"We'll deal with her later!" Noah replied, he put out his cigarette in the ash tray and walked to the door. "Hurry up! We have little time!"

Duncan looked at Gwen and shrugged. "Sorry." With that he rushed over to join Noah as they left through the office door.

Gwen was left tied to the chair alone. She began to look around. She heard a noise as she turned to the window. There standing in the open windowsill was a black cat. "Dymphna! Good girl! Help mommy out."

**Forest, Night**

"How exactly are you intending we take down an entire coven of witches? You saw how many black cats were out there. We're not even sure if that's all of them." Duncan asked. The two of them pushed through thick brush. A full moon hung above them, barely illuminating the dark forest.

"They are clearly novices. All we have to do is disrupt the ceremony and take out the leader." Noah clarified.

"Yeah? And how exactly are we going to do that?"

"I'm sure you'll think of something."

They paused. Humming could be heard off in the distance. Noah pointed in its general direction. Duncan nodded. They moved quietly up to a clearing in the trees. Nearly twenty figures stood in a circle, all wearing identical black robes. Deep purple smoke covered the grass around them. In the middle, a figure held onto a spell tome. She spoke an incantation. Black cats wandered calmly at their feet.

"Looks like we found our witches," Noah commented. He reached into his trench coat and pulled out a cigarette. "Last one." He lit it with his zippo lighter.

"How far are they in the summoning?" Duncan asked. Above the figure in the middle, a small circular portal erupted open. It glowed hot and molten; strings of electricity broke around it. "Never mind. I think I know. Shall we go?"

Noah nodded. They passed into the clearing, marching towards the circle of witches. "Hello witches!" Noah called out to them. "Do not mind us. Please continue to summon a vengeful warrior goddess."

A couple witches in the circle turned their heads towards Noah and Duncan, but kept chanting. The figure in the middle flipped pages in her tome. She spoke quickly, but too quiet for Noah and Duncan to hear. A fireball shot upwards and flew towards them. Duncan jumped out of the way while Noah casually turned his body at the last second. Noah's cigarette fell out of his mouth.

"Fuck," Noah said. He picked it back up, but it was soggy from the purple smoke. "That was not nice."

The summoning portal continued to grow. It rumbled like thunder as a black fist slowly stretched out of it.

Duncan jumped back onto this feet and rejoined Noah's side. "That wasn't bad," Duncan commented. He brushed off the front of his studded leather jacket. "Now how about some of my street magic?" He snapped his finger, causing a gust of wind to erupt before him. The robes of the witches furled and the purple smoke was blown away.

Noah reached into his trench coat and pulled out a small handheld cross bow. He reached into his sock to pull out a glowing white bolt.

A couple of the witches broke off from the circle. It quickly closed behind them. The witches pulled down their hoods to reveal that they were quite young, teenagers at best. One rolled up her sleeves, about to cast a spell. Noah aimed his crossbow up towards her and shot it. The glowing white bolt exploded into a blinding white flash as it hit her. She was thrown backwards.

"I wonder if holy light would still work on witches, if they didn't wear exclusively black," Noah said to himself.

The sound of thunder echoed through clearing as a full demonic feline arm now reached out from the portal.

A witch aimed her open palm at Duncan. With a swipe of his hand a gust of wind swept the witch off her feet and threw her to the side.

Noah grabbed a second bolt from his sock and began to load it into his crossbow. He looked ahead at the circle of witches. The portal continued to grow atop the middle witch who held the large spell tome. "Duncan!" Noah called out to his partner. "Grab the book!"

Duncan nodded in acknowledgement. He began to sprint towards the circle of witches. Noah aimed his crossbow and fired towards the set of witches that were chanting with their backs turned nearest to Duncan. The bolt exploded in air between the witches, throwing them in opposite directions creating an opening for Duncan to run through.

Duncan ran straight into the middle of the circle and tackled the middle witch. The book fell out of her hands. Her hood fell down slightly, revealing that the woman was older with an unnatural looking strength behind her wrinkled face. She pushed Duncan off her and scrambled towards the book. "Hell no," Duncan called out. He whistled slightly and his mohawk began to glow. With great strength, he grabbed the witch's ankle, and tossed her out of the circle.

The humming of the other witches broke. A couple rushed forward towards Duncan, but they were shot by a bolt from Noah, sending them flying back. With the summoning interrupted, the portal began to shift wildly. It's thunderous noise increased till it was nearly deafening. The witches began to scramble out of the clearing. The cats were crying out, calling at the summoning. Duncan looked up to see the demonic feline arm swipe downwards toward him. He leapt to the side, barely escaping its reach. The arm grabbed the tome the main witch had been holding on the ground and brought it back into the portal. It shut closed liked a black hole, ringing out a sonic boom.

Duncan laid down on the grass, catching his breath. "That was fucking wild," he said to himself.

"Good job Duncan," Noah commented. "Looks like the witches ran away. I doubt they'll try anything like this again."

Duncan sat up slightly. "Why is it that I'm the only one who ever nearly gets killed or pulled into alternate dimensions?"

"Nature of the job."

**Downtown, Evening**

Duncan sat back in his chair, kicking his feet on the desk. He unwrapped the plastic around the new pack of cigarettes. Slowly, taking the time to enjoy it, he pulled one out and placed it in his mouth. He struck a wooden match on the desk, lighting the tip. He exhaled in one long breath.

Noah stood by the window, staring down at the empty streets below. "Can't believe they only paid us for getting rid of a bunch of cats."

Duncan shrugged. "It's hard to put a price tag on saving the world."

"I assume it would be larger than a hundred bucks."

"Well, at least it's enough for our electricity bills." Duncan said. Noah moved away from the window, sitting down in his chair. He grabbed the pack of cigarettes and took out his zippo lighter. Duncan suddenly sat up and began to look around the room.

"What?" Noah asked.

"What happened to that goth girl?"

_Afterword:_

_We hope you enjoyed this story, thank you for reading. I've been slowly working on it for a quite a while now. I'd like to thank BJ for helping me finish it. I am glad it is finally done. It was a lot of fun to write so let us know if you'd like us to continue it. We don't have any big plans for it but I've got a couple more chapters in mind. This story was heavily influenced by Vertigo Comics, specifically works by Neil Gaiman, Mike Carey, and Jill Thompson._

_Please leave a review_

_Till Next Time -Nyhlus and BJ _


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